Tuesday, August 27, 2013
I need to go on a hand diet. I didn't know this until I tried to slide a bracelet over my hands the other day. It wouldn't go on. I then watched as my sister, her kids, and a few other people all slid the bracelet over their hands with ease. Who knew? I'm an abomination.
Five minutes and two large red welts later the bracelet was around my wrist And still is and will remain there until I can whip these baseball mitts into shape.
I had a conversation with a girl at the gym the other day. She was talking about her "problem areas". First off, she has none. Second off, she's probably going to get punched if she ever again mentions having problem areas in front of people who really do have problem areas.
I decided next time she brings it up I am going to mention my fat hands. Perhaps our conversation will go something like this.
Her: "Aaahh I hate my stomach. No matter what I do I can't get rid of this bulge. My shirts look so bad!"
Me, holding my hands out to her. : "I totally get it. Check out these bear paws. I'm embarresed even bringing them out."
Me, "Uh duh. My hands!! Look at them, they're ridiculous and huge. I'm disgusting!"
Me: "If I had a bracelet on right now, you'd die. It looks so gross with the fat spilling over the sides of a bracelet that's obviously two sizes too small. It totally looks like I'm wedging myself into it!"
Me: "Seriously, at least you can cover your stomach up with a shirt. Think about me. Do you know how many people see my hands everyday? It's horrifying!!"
Me: "My new goal is to lose like 1 or 2 ounces from each hand by Christmas--aaahh why did I mention Christmas. I didn't even think about going glove shopping!! That's the worst!"
"I'm so glad Summer's almost over so I can shove my hands into a pair of comfortable pockets instead of just having to walk around with them exposed all Summer."
At that point I will probably leave and then pull my long sleeve shirt over my hands while I do the bench press.