Monday, February 25, 2013

Grammar and the Sub

I've never boasted that English was my best subject. In fact I still remember 8th Grade English, watching the cartoon train sing, "conjunction, junction what's your function?" Sadly, I remember the graphics and the little cartoon man more than anything that it taught me. I do remember the song. Not the meaning or purpose of the song mind you, but the beat.

My husband edits all of my blog postings and my mom edits my stories for the book I'm writing and even now I'm wondering yet again if "mom" is capitalized or not. The fact that there were two "mom's" in that sentence has completely thrown me into a tail spin and I'll have to call my husband at work to clarify yet again, when the word mom is capitalized.

Moving on. When I used to substitute teach in Jr. High, there were always two subjects that I didn't love to teach. One was Math and the other was English. Frankly, I was never great at either. Nothings more demeaning than having a bunch of 7th graders look at you like the fool you are because you don't have know the answer. I found that one thing that usually helped me not worry about it, was remembering the fact that I got paid less than minimum wage.

I was sitting at the teachers desk working on writing my book when a student approached me.

Student (pointing to her worksheet): "Um, Kate. Is this a verb or a noun?"

Me: "I don't know."

Student (wondering if this is some kind of a joke): "Whaddya mean?"

Me: "I mean I don't know."

A boy in line, behind this girl starts to snicker. He is thrilled to have a substitute to make fun of. He points at me. "Hey this girl is suppossably a substitute, but she doesn't even know English."

Me: "I'm sorry what did you just say?"

Him (a little less confidently): "Well you said you didn't know the difference between a noun or a verb."

Me: "No, no that part was accurate. I meant the part where you added a "B" to supposedly and you said, suppossably."

Him: "Anyways."

Me: "I think you mean "anyway" since there is no "S" on the end of anyway.

Him: (Moment of awkward silence): "Umm what are you working on?"

Me: "A book I wrote."

Him: "You're writing a book?"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Like a for-reals book."

Me: "Like a for-reals book yes. . . by the way I think that's a noun"

Student (looking down at his paper) "What is?"

Me: "Like a for-reals"

Student: "Which part?"

Me: "The whole thing."

Student: (An even more confused look.) "So, you're writing a book, but you don't know if this is a verb or a noun?"

Me: (With complete confidence) "My Mom edits my chapters."

Student:(look of full disgust on his face.) "Do you still live with your Mom?"

Me: "No. That would be weird. . .like for reals."

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dumbest in the Family: Update

Old Post:

My oldest son, Cameron threw a major fit, so I sent him to his room. He knows he gets in big trouble for saying, "I hate you" so instead he screamed at me through the door, "You're the dumbest in our whole family!!"

I thought it was hysterical so I texted my husband and told him what Cameron had said. This was my husbands immediate reply and also the reason I love him.

"Just goes to show what he knows. Edison is the dumbest in our family."

 Edison is our 8-month old.

Addition to this post:

Today Edison learned to clap. I showed my husband when he got home from work. He turned to me and said, "Ok nooow you're the dumbest in the family."

If you're a girl reading this and your first reaction was, "Oh my gosh that was so rude" or "How sad." Your husband is right, you are too sensitive.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Downton Shabbey *Spoiler Alert*

Dear Downton-

Really "City of Angels" that's the ending you chose?
The reason we watch your show is to get away from real life. We know tragedies such as the one last night happen, but must we put them into our fantasy world?

In Downton, when their wives are pregnant and after they give birth, husbands like Matthew say ridiculously sappy things like, "My darling, how I love you more everyday." And "You've made me the happiest man on the earth."

In real life when I 'm pregnant  I can be expected to hear, "Can you throw up in the other bathroom? I'm trying to watch a show. It's making me sick." And when I give birth, "Wow. I didn't know you could scream that loud. Everyone was looking at you. Were you embarrassed?"
And my personal favorite, while watching a show where a man is complimenting his wife on how beautiful she is pregnant.

Me (pregnant) talking to my husband: "Ohh, how sweet. Is that how you feel?"
Him: "No. Fat's just not attractive."

In my husband's defense, it's not like I'd find a big belly attractive on him either. 

For the Love-- Matthew was all we had!

Now to be fair to the writer's, I had read on the internet that Matthew didn't sign on for season four. So I was expecting something major to happen, but where's your creativity? You could have "gotten rid of him," without actually getting rid of him. Home Improvement never showed anything but Wilson's eyes for how many years? Or how about police shows, where victims don't want to be seen. Use the dang fuzzy circle over new Matthew's face. We don't care who Matthew is, he just makes Downtown-fix it you fools. We will buy anything, this is after all a soap opera. Face transplant, funny after-birth-prank, dream sequence, you pick.

I have to go now, I have been trying all morning to book a flight to Downton for the funeral. They keep telling me it doesn't exist.

What a bunch of idiots. It's right next to Hogwarts.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Mom's Letter

We heard some sad news about a friend whose mom recently passed away. My parents live outside of the country right now, so I wrote and shared the news with her along with a letter from the woman's daughter. This was my mom's reply:

"That really is so sad. I can just imagine that happening to me and all of you kids sobbing uncontrollably, remembering all the mean things you said and did to me and wishing that you had been more loving and kind to me.  I know you will all be ridden with guilt and grief.  And probably wish that it was Dad and not me who had died. But I will look down on you and smile--and think,  "I told you so!'"

People wonder how I have enough stories to necessitate a book. With a mom like mine, I assure you, I will never run out of material. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Roll Call

I use to substitute teach quite a bit. The worst part was taking roll, especially in Jr. High.

Me: "Now, while I take roll, let me just say that there's no need for any of you to say stupid things like, "not-here" or "here" every time I call anyone's name including your own, or "here" in stupid made up voices. By the look on most of your faces, I can tell that you're surprised that A. I knew that's what you were going to do and B. That I said it's dumb."

"Ok here we go."

Me: "Aaron"
Kid: "Here".
Me: "Adam"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Bailey"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Bernice"
Girl (disgusted with me): "It's pronounced Berni. The C and the E are silent."
Me-"What about the 2?"
Girl: "What??"
Me: "Nothing. It's my fault for reading it exactly how it's written."
Me: "Bob. . .Wait is that your name for real?"
Kid "Yes.Why"
Me: "Really, people are still naming their kids that? Hmm interesting. Good name. It's my Dad's name."
Me: "Cameron"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Clay"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Denise"
Boy (quietly): "It's Dennis"
Me: "Whoops, my bad. Not a great way to start out as a 7th grader. Pretty sure you'll be called Denise from here on out. That's on me-sorry buddy."
Me: "Elizabeth"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Grant"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Justice"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Jo-Lisa"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Jermaine"
Kid: "Here"
Me: "Am I back East right now?"
Me: "Nothin'."
Me: "Ok after the last few names, I'm not even going to attempt to say this one, so whoever has the other weird name, go ahead and raise your hand."
Little Asian kid in the back raises his hand.
Me: "Ok, teach me how to say it."
Him: "It's Nick."
Me: "Why in the world would you assume that you're the one with the weird name?"
Him: shrugs.
Me: "Is it because you're Asian?
Him: Shrugs again.
Me: "That's racist. Go to the office."
Him: Starts to get up.
Me: "Oh my gosh, I'm totally kidding. Sit down. . . Seriously though racism against yourself? That's sad. Self-racist, is that a thing?"
Other kids: Starting to look around at each other not knowing if I'm cool, a freak, serious, or disappointed.
Me: "Back to the role. Oh wow. OK.  Pa... pat.. patir?"
Girl in back (Jr. High attitude again): "Patirarity it's a mix of patience and charity. Duh"
Me:"Duh? For real? First off, is the name an oxymoron for the personality? And second off, all of you that want to be angry at someone, blame your parents.

Me: "By the way, you guys can call me Kate."  I write it on the board for them: K8.

"Make sure you pronounce it right."

Saturday, February 9, 2013

#1 Mom

You know you're an awesome mom when you're yelling at your five-year-old son for not making the lasagna right for your dinner party-all while telling your sick three-year-old daughter to cry quieter.

Honestly Meg, how's Cameron supposed to cook with all that noise?

Thursday, February 7, 2013

My Little Atheist

As we sat in church on Sunday listening to a man speak from the pulpit, my almost 4-year-old daughter, who likes to disagree with everything, decided to give her two cents to everything the man said.

Man: "I know the scriptures are true."

Meg loudly: "No they're not."

Man: "I know that God is real."

Meg loudly: "No he isn't."

Me whispering to Meg: "Honey, that's not very nice. You like the scriptures and you know that God is real."

Meg. "No I don't."

Me: "Ok, well if there's no God, then that means that when we die, we won't ever be back together as a family again."

Meg finally getting it: "Ohhh, you mean like the girl that sings that song (Taylor Swift).

Meg now singing loudly: "Weee aren't ever, ever, ever getting back together."

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

When Your Phone Knows What You Really Wanted To Say

My sister has a smart phone with a "talk to text" option. That way when she is driving she can talk into the receiver and it will text her message for the recipient. After receiving her daughters report card in the mail, my sister used her talk to text option to send her daughter a message:

"You are missing multiple assignments in World Civ. You have an F."

This is the message her daughter received:

"You're missing multiple assignments in World Civ. You're an Ass."

Man those phones really are smart.