Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Little Patriot

We dumbly decided to take the kids with us out to dinner the other night. Our 8-month-old was restless so I began “bird-feeding” him some of my fries. “Bird-feeding is just what it sounds like. I chew up some food, then take it out of my mouth and put it in his.

Relax. I brush my teeth. It's fine. Besides my motives are good (forget the fact that it was a fries I was feeding him) I didn't want him to choke.  

Anyway, I noticed some ladies across the way gawking disgustedly at my bird feeding.
Here is the deal. If you want to judge me on something, that’s not it.
My oldest son wears the same sweat pants and shirt everyday to school complete with Napoleon Dynamite moon boots. He ate a piece of gum, still in the wrapper, for breakfast this morning and then washed it down with some syrup that he thought was apple juice; which, I might add, he continued to drink after he realized his mistake.

My daughter, who says things like,“Hurry and get me a tissue so my booger doesn't go down my booger hole” and, “Who toots (passes gas) the bestest in our family” makes Honey Boo-Boo look like Kate Middleton. That particular day, she was wearing a boy’s neon-yellow SpongeBob shirt that was covered in stains; this, on top of her hand-me-down polygamy dress. Her hair was in a ponytail, not because she wanted it that way, but because with all the toothpaste, syrup, snot, and other junk in it, it physically won’t go down.

Bird-feeding the baby is the least of my worries. I learned bird feeding from my sister anyway… one of her better mothering techniques I might add .  She has six kids and most days we’re just grateful when they’re all quiet. 

When her daughter was two, she escaped from the house (while my sister was busy nursing #5 and maybe #4 too.) Her daughter proceeded to take off her diaper…then for some un- known reason, she took the American flag in her hasty flight. Probably like our ancestors before her, she knew it was a symbol for freedom.  None of us could blame her for trying to flee to a better place. Whatever the reason, the little patriot was seen walking down the road buck naked, dragging the American Flag behind her. Someone, knowing she was probably one of my sister’s million kids, picked her up and promptly returned her. At that point she was sitting, naked, on the flag at the side of the road.

I try not to judge other woman, we do enough of that to ourselves, but I think we can all agree on this one. . at least my kids haven’t ever defaced the American Flag.   

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